


Darkness Within Us

by Shadow_Wolfe99



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28077633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Wolfe99/pseuds/Shadow_Wolfe99
Summary: Sirius Black, hot headed and free spirited, hides his homelife in the back of his mind.Remus Lupin, brilliant and jittery, keeps a twisted secret.Both boys, tormented by the events their childhoods have brought them, suffer silently and alone. Until, that is, they meet each other on the Hogwarts Express
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	1. Make them go away/ Fresh Start

# Make Them Go Away

His father's hand was tightly bound to his shoulder and his mother's disapproval hung in the air. Kreacher pushed the trolley behind them and he tried to ignore it all. Platform 9 and 3/4 was overwhelming compared to Grimmauld Place. People were shouting and rushing around, barely avoiding collisions on multiple occasions. The train itself was marvelous but its steam was heavy to breathe. People moved away from the Noble Black family as if they were afraid to be trampled, though honestly, Sirius wouldn't have put his parents past such a nasty thing to do. They were not nice people. 

" _You will uphold our family crest with pride, Sirius. You will uphold our family values and you will_

_absolutely not mingle with mudbloods or blood traitors. Do you understand me?"_

His mother had made him swear to her words. He on the other hand, had no interest in obeying. They had been punishing him for every slight since the age of five. Their "family values" meant less than nothing to him. He didn't exactly have anything else to compare it to but anything had to be better. His mother stepped in front of him and jerked his chin up to look at her.

"You remember what I told you?" she asked curtly.

"Yes mother. Would you like me to recite it back to you?" he replied, just as harsh.

His father's grip tightened to the point of pain but he kept his eyes on his mother unflinchingly. She scowled at him but before she could go off on another hushed threat, a boy chraged past, his owl cage crashing into her causing the bird to shriek. Sirius forced himself not to grin. The boy, black hair a scruff pile that Sirius would never get away with and slim circular glasses, apologized profusely in a way that Sirius easily recognized. The boy was a Pureblood. An older couple arrived before his mother could go off on the stranger. They, too, made apologies on their son's behalf but it was far less meaningful. They eyed his father with distate and Sirius repressed another grin. So they were likely Blood traitor Purebloods. Sirius made a mental note to find the boy again on the train and make friends. The Express gave a warning whistle and his mother returned to her place by his father's side. His father released his grip and shoved Sirius toward the train followed by Kreacher. Once his luggage was on the carriage, Kreacher vanished.

Finally away from the soul sucking family he'd been born into, Sirius smiled freely.

* * *

# Fresh Start

"Did you remember to pack everything?" His mother asked for the twentieth time that morning.

"Yes, Mum. All of it is packed. If I've forgotten anything there are school owls I can use to contact you," Remus replied, smiling as much as he could.

His stomach felt twisted and he was equally terrified and excited to start at Hogwarts. He wanted the chance to make friends without his parents constant hovering or reminders of his condition. Outside of a week per month, he could be a "normal" person. At least, he hoped he could. Muggles didn't make for great company as far as he was concerned. Not that it was their fault. He just had too many secrets to keep for it to work out. With magical folk, his hope was that one secret could be kept while still making friends. As the train gave it's last whistle, Remus and his parents hustled towards the nearest carriage. His father lugged the battered trunk inside before Remus as pulled into a tight hug by the both of them. He waved as the doors closed and tried to ignore the panic in his chest. He would see them in a couple months for christmas.

He shoved his trunk along the aisle, checking the compartments as he went. Most of them were already full and those that weren't had people that looked very uninviting. Eventually he came to one that had two black haired boys launching some kind of sweet at one another. He slid the door open hesitantly.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked.

One boy, with wavy shoulder length hair, shrugged while the other, a bird's nest of hair, moved his owl cage aside.

"By all means," he said. "The more the merrier. I'm James Potter. This is Sirius Black."

Remus pushed his trunk into the compartment. "I'm Remus Lupin. Could you give me a hand putting this overhead?"

James got up and helped (also known as doing the job for him) get the trunk out of the way. Once they had sat down, James glanced up at the trunk again.

"That looks like it's seen better days," he said absently.

"James!" Sirius hissed. "I'm supposed to be the snob here."

Potter looked at Lupin and scruffed his hair, looking apologetic. Remus shrugged.

"It has seen better days," he replied. "But it still works perfectly fine. No need to replace what isn't broken."

Sirius snorted. "Say that to my mother I beg you. She might have a heart attack."

"Don't say that to his mother. She might murder you," James replied, his joke ruined by the sombre look on his face.

Remus sat back and smiled. After a short silence, the two boys started throwing the sweets at each other again, attempting to catch them in their mouths. He sighed internally. He really hoped that Hogwarts would be as fun as his dad had talked about.


	2. Change of Pace / How Am I Brave?

# Change of Pace

Sirius was trying to ignore the urge to ask Remus his story. He hadn't heard the name Lupin before, so he could only imagine that the poor sod was either a halfblood or muggleborn. That wasn't his most intriguing thought though. When he had placed his trunk overhead, his sleeve had pulled down a little. Sirius had seen the scars on his wrist. He hoped his new friend didn't have a family like his. Nobody deserved that. 

The three of them got into the same boat as the half-giant groundskeeper. Sirius refused to ask any questions about that. His family were judgemental and cruel. He would not be. James gaped at the nearing castle but Sirius was barely impressed. His entire life had been spent in grand old buildings. Remus on the other hand was clinging to the edge of the boat, looking vaguely green in the lantern light.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked quietly.

Remus nodded in response but it wasn't convincing. Unfortunately, Sirius didn't have a clue what to say to make him feel better and that was just frustrating. 

A cat was waiting for them when they arrived outside the great hall and Sirius couldn't help but glance at James. Surely they were meant to be being escorted inside by the deputy headmistress. 

"Is it just me, or is this really tense?" James asked, nudging Sirius in the ribs. 

"Nope, I think the deputy head is just la-" Sirius's reply was cut off by the cat leaping forward into human form. A stern looking woman, vaguely reminding him of his mother, glanced around at the first years.

"You will stand in silence inside the great hall until your name is called," the professor said, with a Scottish accent. "You will then step forward, sit on the stool provided and be sorted into your house. This decision is final regardless of any personal disapproval or familial associations. You can however, ask the Hat for a specific house. It may concede to your request but you get no further control over your fate. Once sorted, you will join your house at their respective table. All conversation will wait until the feast begins. Do I make myself clear?"

The first years all nodded silently. James grinned as they were marched down the centre of the great hall. 

Names were called and placed in various houses. He couldn't help but glance toward the Slytherin table where his cousins smirked in his direction. James nudged him the ribs and raised an eyebrow. 

"You look a little green," he whispered.

"I hope not. Might tempt fate," Sirius replied in the same hushed tone. 

His name was called and he walked, as casually as possible up to the stool. The hat was placed on his head and began to whisper,

_So you wish to break the chain, do you? Be placed anywhere but with your family. Well then, for the change of pace you so desperately seek, better be_

"Gryffindor!"

There was a stunned silence followed by a muted cheer from the Gryffindor table. Sirius walked over and sat down. His chest felt tight and he sat silently waiting for the others to be housed.

* * *

# How Am I Brave?

Remus hadn't felt well since getting off the train. The boat ride had taught him that he was in fact sea sick, despite it being a lake. When Sirius had asked him if he was okay, he had to say yes. This sickness was nothing that could be helped and certainly not something to be discussed. The almost full moon had glimmered on the lake surface and he glared at the reflection. He wouldn't have long until his first full moon away from home and it wasn't something he looked forward to. 

The professor led them through the tables and he was glad to have skipped lunch. If there had been anything for him to vomit, he would have done. When Sirius got sorted, he looked both surprised and sickened by the outcome. A few more names were called before his own and his feet did not want to comply as he moved toward the sorting hat. He had read _Hogwarts: A history_ but none of the houses seemed suitable for him. He wasn't cunning, wasn't brave, wasn't overly clever. He was loyal to the people he loved, but he didn't think Hufflepuff was for him either. The hat was placed on his head.

_Ah, so you think you belong elsewhere do you? I see into your mind, Mr Lupin and you do not see yourself for the true version that you are. One accident long ago would have broken many people yet you walk here with your head held high. You, could perhaps thrive acadmically in Ravenclaw but not socially. They would learn your secrets far too quickly. I agree you do not fit in amongst the Slytherins nor with the Hufflepuffs. Such a soul so brave, it better be,_

"Gryffindor."

Remus had no idea how much time had passed between getting the hat placed on his head and the announcement but he couldn't feel his body. It felt as though he'd been wrapped in a cloud. He stumbled towards the Gryffindor table, vaguely noticing that the majority of the table, including Sirius, had stood up, cheering for him. He could barely hear them. When had he ever been _brave_? How was he brave? He sat down and it took him a long moment to realize that Black was staring at him expectantly. Had he been asked a question?

"I'm sorry what?" he said quietly.

"I said, do you want to go to the hospital wing? You look worse than I feel," Sirius replied, one of his eyebrows arched in concern.

Remus shook his head. "No... I'm fine, Sirius. Just homesick and..."

"And what?"

"Really surprised."

One of the older students hushed them as the sorting ceremony continued. While he waited, James looked ready to bounce of the walls. None of the other first years were so outwardly excited. 

"He looks like a toddler that's had too much sugar," a red headed girl whispered. "You'd think something thrilling was happening."

Remus shot a look in her direction and she grinned, a dimple forming in her left cheek. "Lily Evans. Nice to meet you."

"Remus Lupin. He's excited by everything from what I can tell. Only met him on the train though."

Potter's name was finally called and he'd barely sat on the stool with the hat on his head before it loudly announced that he was also a Gryffindor. Remus didn't join the others in standing up to cheer. He couldn't muster that much energy. He leaned his elbows on the table and rubbed his face. He wondered if anyone else was overwhelmed.

Eventually the feast began and conversations rose up. Remus barely touched his food and silently waited to go to bed.


	3. Night Terrors / Insomniac

# Night Terror

When the feast was over, the three of them were desperate to get to the dorms. James looked ready to pass out into a food coma while Remus looked exhausted. Sirius just wanted to get some peace and quiet. He was obnoxious and loud himself, but compared to Grimmauld place, Hogwarts was a drunken party. He liked it but it was definitely something to get used to. 

They climbed the stairs to their dorm and greeted their fellow roommate, a squirrely little dude who didn't look like he fit into Gryffindor at all. 

"I am going to sleep until my stomach has recovered," James said before flopping onto one of the beds. 

He buried his face into the pillow and stopped moving for the first time since they'd met. Sirius sat down on one of the beds and Remus sat opposite him, looking barely awake himself. Pettigrew changed into pyjamas and closed himself into his own bed. In the silence that fell, Sirius felt momentarily reassured. It didn't take long for the night's events stuck home and panic rose in his chest. 

In theory, getting placed in another house was brilliant. So far, he thouroughly enjoyed the Gryffindor vibes, but his mother was going to murder him. His father was going to strike him off the family tree. His hands began to shake. Thankfully, Remus didn't seem to be paying much attention to him. He grabbed his pyjamas out of his trunk and headed into the bathroom. 

The shower managed to calm him down a fair bit and when he got back to the bedroom, Remus's curtains had been closed. Sirius blew out the candles with a swish of his wand before laying down and letting exhaustion take him.

_His father threw the door open, his rage edible in the room._

_"What in Merlin's name did you think was going to happen boy?"_

_His mother entered the room behind him and glared, her rage mild by comparison._

_"You were given strict, and very clear instructions. Make the Black family proud. Uphold our values, but yet, you are here. Laden with Gryffindor scum."_

_Both parents drew their wands and aimed at him. He saw the green lights before he felt the agony. His mind vanished under the Cruciatus Curse._

_He writhed on his bed, screaming in pain. Nobody was going to come. Nobody cared. He was going to die._

* * *

# Insomniac

Remus sat in his bed, staring at the pages in front of him but reading nothing. He was exhausted yet somehow still too riled up to fall asleep. He had hoped that reading would help solve the issue but his mind would not focus long enough to make sense of a single word, let alone the story. He listened to Sirius come back into the bedroom and go to bed.

With a sigh, Remus put the book down and slid into a horizontal position. He glared in the direction of the window through his curtains. The stupid rock in the sky was a permanent nightmare. He'd heard so many people call it beautiful but all he saw was the evil it controlled. Anything that allowed someone to ruin a child's life was cruel. He had closed his eyes for less than a minute when he heard the muffled whimpers. His chest locked. He sat up slowly and drew his curtains back. Sirius had extinguished the candles so Remus lifted his wand.

"Lumos," He whispered, igniting a low glow. 

The whimpering continued followed by the sound of flesh hitting a mattress. Remus stood up and cast the light around the room. James was still flat on his stomach, dressed in robes and Peter's curtains were motionless. Carefully, Remus turned the light towards Sirius and got a barely suppressed scream. Remus lit the candles beside Sirius's bed and rushed over, aiming his wandlight away from him. He touched his arm and shook it gently.

"Hey, Sirius," he said. "Wake up. It's just a dream, mate."

Remus repeated the action a few more times before Sirius shot up into a sitting position and glanced, bleary eyed, around the room. Remus perched himself on the edge of the bed and waited for Sirius to fully come back to reality.

"I never want to go home, Remus," Black whispered. "They might kill me this time."

Remus cautiously put his hand on Sirius's shoulder. "You're their son. They wouldn't kill you."

Sirius scoffed. "You've never met my parents, mate. I come from the Noble House of Black. They get sorted into Slytherin, marry their cousins and uphold the family ideals. No mixing with muggleborns or blood traitors. Though they use a far worse word for muggleborns."

"You're still their kid..."

"Remus, you really don't understand what my family is like. They like to punish people. Including their kids."

Remus tried to process the information but it wouldn't go through. He couldn't imagine someone ever hurting their child. His parents certainly never had. Though, he suffered plenty without their assistance every month. Without noticing, Remus had starting rubbing Sirius's back and awkwardly pulled his hand away. Sirius laughed quietly and leaned on Remus.

"I hate my family, Remus. I hate them but I am terrified of what they're gonna do to me come christmas," Sirius whispered. 

Remus put his arm around his new friend and rubbed his arm the way his dad did for him.

"Did I wake you?" Sirius asked.

"I haven't slept yet," Remus replied. "Can't get my mind to shut up."

"Oh yeah? What's it saying?" 

"Honestly, not a lot, that's the problem. It's just blank, empty nothing. Can't turn it off."

Sirius pulled away and sat with his back against the headboard. He patted the space beside him and Remus joined him on the bed. He lifted his wand and whispered

"Mufflato."

Sirius stared at him. "Where'd you learn that?"

"My dad. We had a dog growing up that used to howl all the time. Had to keep it quiet so that the neighbours wouldn't complain," Remus replied, spouting the half-truth as though it were nothing.

"That's cool. My parents would never let us get anything other than the house owl, because Merlin forbid we get our precious house dirty. What was it called?"

Remus paused for a moment before smirking. "His name was Wolf. Died a couple years ago. Wasn't well."

"Sorry to hear that."

Sirius's head fell onto Remus's shoulder and he couldn't help but laugh.

"Sirius, we have school tomorrow. You should get some sleep."

"You don't seem to be doing that. We go to the same school, Remus. If you're not sleeping then neither am I."

"It's not a competition over who gets the least amount of sleep."

"It is now."


	4. Retribution / Full Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this chapter isn't quite so soft...

# Retribution

"Morning Lads," James said loudly. "Either of you want to explain what's going on here?"

Sirius scowled at his overly cheerful roommate. What was he going on about? 

"Are you both deaf or something?" James added.

The bed suddenly moved beside him, followed by a grumbled complaint. Sirius sat up quickly, remembering the night before. Remus had woken him up from a nightmare and they'd sat up talking for hours. Remus buried his head into the mattress and aimed his wand at the window, somehow making curtains appear and darkening the room almost completely. Sirius, momentarily forgetting that there was, essentially, a stranger in his bed, couldn't help but be impressed and by the look on James's face, he was too.

Peter exited the bathroom and squeaked at the dark.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Remus is avoiding answering the question about why he and Sirius were asleep in the same bed together," James replied.

Remus sat up and glared at James. "I'm not avoiding anything. You're just too perky for this time in the morning. We couldn't sleep so we made it a competition over who could stay awake the longest."

"In the same bed?" Peter asked, looking a little confused.

Sirius, regaining his composure, grinned. "Had to make sure the other one didn't cheat. Gotta say though, Remus, you lost very quickly."

"Did bloody not! You were out of it within ten minutes," Remus protested. "You snore by the way."

"Whatever," James huffed. "Guess I wasn't invited to your midnight game."

"You were asleep before any of us went to bed, mate," Peter added helpfully.

Remus got up and found his clean robes before heading into the bathroom to get changed. Sirius did the same but from his bed. Peter and James headed down for breakfast while Sirius waited for Remus. He sat on his bed and tried not to think about his nightmare. It only made it seem more real. He'd even checked his skin to make sure there were no marks. 

When Remus emerged from the bathroom he didn't look at Sirius.

"I won't tell anyone," he said quietly. "About the nightmare. How often do you get those?"

"I... more often than I'd like to admit honestly. Thank you. For not telling anyone," Sirius replied. "We should get to breakfast before the other's notice we're missing."

They hadn't even made it two steps away from the common room when Sirius was jerked to a stop. Remus stopped with him and held his ground as he was faced off with the very pretty Slytherin. Narcissa, flanked by two other Purebloods, sneered at him.

"If it isn't the traitorous Sirius Black," she said. "Been waiting for you. Just so you know, I did my familial duty and sent Auntie Walburga an owl, informing her of the disappointment you are. Maybe she'll write you back."

"Maybe she will, Cissy. Or maybe she'll just put her focus onto Reggie. It wouldn't be the first time I've disappointed her," he replied coldly. "Not like she can get me here anyway."

Sirius turned away, glad that he'd had years controlling his expressions, and hurried downstairs to the Great Hall. Remus didn't say anything but looked rather concerned.

In the Great Hall, James was cheerfully chatting away to everyone around him, including some second years and a first year girl with red hair that had absolutely no interest in him. Sirius sat down opposite and tried to pretend that everything was okay. 

It was going well until the owls arrived and his parents' owl dropped a letter in front of him. He shoved it into the pockets of his robes while James was too involved with his own post to notice. He'd recieved a Howler that was full of a ridiculous amount of praise and positivity. Remus elbowed him in the ribs and offered him a sympathetic smile. In the bright light of the Great Hall, Sirius suddenly realized how gaunt Remus looked.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

"I'm fine," Remus replied.

Compared to the lie he'd so easily spouted in the dorm, that one was barely concealed. Sirius raised an eyebrow but proceeded to eat. Clearly Remus wasn't the sharing type and that was fully understandable. He usually wasn't either.

* * *

# Full Moon

Remus decidedly hated the full moon. Of course the first day of school clashed with his nightmare night. He followed James through the corridors but knew that there was almost no point him going to lessons today. He was already too out of it. Sirius kept eyeing him when he thought nobody was looking, which was sweet but also concerning. What if Sirius got too curious? What if he found out? They sat down together in charms and Remus scrawled some variation of what was written on the blackboard down on parchment. 

"Can you even understand what you've written?" Sirius asked, twirling his wand under the desk.

"Probably not," Remus replied.

"It's because you're sick, right?"

Reluctantly, Remus nodded. Sirius placed his wand on the desk, plucked the quill from Remus's hand and began transcribing in perfect calligraphy for him. Remus stared at his friend for a moment before allowing his head to settle on his arms. He tried to listen to Professor Flitwick but his head was buzzing. 

He dozed off at some point because Sirius prodded him with his wand and handed him his quill. The parchment was still laid on the table and Sirius had filled the entire thing. The rest of the class had disappeared.

"Did you even take your own notes?" Remus asked, feeling very groggy.

"Nah, but I can just use yours. If I need them," Sirius replied with a smug grin. "Pretty much got a photographic memory. You want me to take you to the hospital wing or are we headed to potions?"

Even the idea of sitting in a dingy classroom with who knows what kind of smoke, made Remus cringe and Sirius nodded.

"Hospital wing it is."

Remus was both disappointed and pleased that Madam Pomfrey insisted Sirius head back to lesson. He laid down on one of the beds and stared at the ceiling. He was the only patient at the moment and he revelled in the quiet. The healer rounded the partition and stared at him with almost sadness in her eyes.

"Mr Lupin, there's still several hours until moonrise. Have you eaten?" she sighed.

"Not hungry," Remus replied, letting his eyelids close. "Just tired. My head hurts already."

"Well then, perhaps you should sleep until it's time to head out. Might make tonight easier."

Remus nodded but was already out of it.

He was woken up by someone shaking his shoulder. He did not want to wake up. Everything hurt. His body was beginning to shift.

"Mr Lupin, wake up immediately!" Madam Pomfrey snapped. "I will not have you endangering me or anyone else."

Remus opened his eyes and followed the healer through the quiet hallways and out towards the Whomping Willow. The night was crisp and the sky was clear. It wouldn't be long until he was no longer human. They headed into the passageway and Remus couldn't help but cringe. The Wolf was very close to the surface and it hated enclosed spaces. 

Once inside the shack, Madam Pomfrey bid her farewell and left him inside. He sat on the floor and let himself cry. It was routine at this point. 

The transformation began and Remus howled in pain. His skin itched so badly from the fur coming through that it burned. His bones began to snap and crack inside his skin. His jaw locked. Then all at once, he was gone.

He woke up briefly in the shack as he was transferred onto a stretcher, but it was a very brief consiousness. 

Remus woke up hours later in the hospital wing. He could feel the new gash running along his left ribcage and mentally swore at the Wolf. The only way he was aware of to stop the self-inflicted wounds was to join a pack and that was never going to happen. Remus would rather let the Wolf end him than join any of his own kind.


	5. Curiosity / Secrets

# Curiosity

Remus didn't come back for three days. James just assumed he had the flu and Peter honestly didn't seem to care. Sirius on the other hand, couldn't help but notice. He didn't sleep. Couldn't. The nightmares just kept coming for him. He took notes in lessons, but not for him. He had the feeling that Remus would be highly concerned about having missed anything. When he trudged up to the dorm, he was shocked to see Remus lying in his bed with a book. He still looked peaky.

"How are you?" Sirius asked.

Remus rolled over to look at him. "I'm fine. Feeling much better. How are you? You look bloody awful."

Sirius smirked. "You're really not one to talk."

He rummaged in his bag and produced several parchment pieces and handed them over. Remus raised his eyebrows.

"Figured you didn't want to miss out on anything."

Sirius then flopped onto his own bed and stared at the canopy above. He wanted to ask questions; to know what was wrong with him and if he was contagious. He wouldn't though. It was impolite. A chocolate frog was launched at him from the next bed. Sirius looked at Remus.

"Your handwriting got sloppy after day one. You're exhausted aren't you?"

Sirius shrugged. "Meh. I've had worse. How about you?"

"You should sleep."

He shrugged again and returned his gaze to the canopy. Maybe he would sleep better with Remus back in the dorm. His friend seemed to have a magical effect on him. His eyes started to close but before he could fall asleep, he jerked awake and almost fell off the bed. Remus was watching him with gentle, knowing eyes. Sirius shook his head before heading into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and cleaned his face before going back to bed. He didn't bother getting undressed. He just flopped back onto the bed and shoved his face into the pillow. The mattress dipped to one side and he turned his head to see Remus.

"You want me to sit with you until you fall asleep?" he asked quietly. 

After a moment of consideration, Sirius nodded. He shuffled over and Remus propped himself up on the headboard before starting to read again. At first he read silently but then began to whisper them. Sirius couldn't help but find it calming and quickly drifted off.

Over the next week, he and Remus fell into a routine of Remus reading him to sleep. Sirius thought he should have found it childish but when it was just him and Re in the dorm room, it was just peaceful. His nightmares stayed away when they did that.

When Remus got sick again, Sirius knew he was going to be haunted. He was also concerned for his friend. 

"Merlin's Beard, Sirius! Did you hear me?" James asked at the dinner table.

Sirius shook his head. "No. What did you say?"

"I asked if you want to sneak onto the quidditch pitch and borrow the school brooms."

"Sure why not."

It wasn't like he could get into more trouble when he got home. 

James was brilliant on a broom. Without Madam Hooch keeping him in check, he flew around with the arrogance of a seasoned star player. Sirius didn't think he did too badly himself, he just wasn't quite so overconfident about it. The full moon made weird shadows on the pitch, reminding Sirius far too much of the attic at Grimmauld Place. It was just as they were landing that they heard it. A bitter crying howl. It sounded both really far away and right on top of them. James looked at him with wide eyes.

"You reckon there's wolves in the forbidden forest?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged. "Sounds like there's just one. Seems lonely."

James flung his arm over Sirius's shoulder and pulled him in close.

"Look, I have an idea for a prank, but I need your assistance," he said quietly.

"Ask Peter," Sirius replied, trying to shrug him off. 

"I would but... well he's bloody useless at charms. You are one of the best. Come on. Here me out."

So he did. When James was done, he was on board. They snuck off towards the Slytherin common room and James kept a watchful eye on the door. Sirius turned towards the tapestry and changed the design to display a lion. James then transfigured the one opposite into a bell. Sirius heard footsteps, grabbed James by the arm and hauled him around the corner. They pressed themselves against the wall and waited. Whoever it was, put the prank into action. They rang the bell and the tapestry released a giant roar that echoed along the hallway. They heard a shriek and burst into laughter. They were laughing so hard they didn't notice someone walking towards them. 

Sirius looked up and took an unconscious step backwards. Narcissa was stood before them with a vile smirk on her face. She aimed her wand at his head.

"Dear cousin, you should know better than to try anything on me. Did you not learn your lesson last summer?" she hissed.

"Sod off, beauty queen. I was the one who did the pranking. If you're gonna aim your wand at anyone, aim it at me," James snapped. 

She turned her head and sneered at him. "Hardly surprising behaviour coming from a blood traitor."

He didn't know when the thought came into his head, but suddenly, his hand was reaching up and he slapped his cousin so hard her head jerked sideways. James gasped and Narcissa visibly started fuming. She grabbed him by the collar and jerked him upwards. He smirked as a red mark appeared on her face. Before she could do anything, Professor Slughorn rounded the corner. He took away ten points from Slytherin for violence towards children and sent him and James away. When they were on the stairs back to Gryffindor tower, James threw his arm around his shoulders again.

"You're bloody mental and I love it," he said cheerfully.

The next day, when Remus didn't show up at breakfast, he let his curiosity get the better of him. He ditched James and Peter to head towards the hospital wing. He snuck past Madam Pomfrey while she was busy dealing with a fifth year. He quickly searched the empty beds until he found Remus, tucked away in the corner, hidden by a long blue screen. He looked terrible. Sirius sat beside him and tried to work out what was wrong with him. His friend was pale and sticky with sweat. He also looked like he was in pain. After ten minutes of staring, he removed his history of magic book and began to read. He was barely speaking above a whisper as to not attract the attention of the matron, but it felt like the right thing to do. When he finished his third chapter, he glanced up to see Remus watching him with tired eyes.

"Does Pomfrey know you're here?" he asked, his voice raspy and weak. 

Sirius shook his head. "No. Snuck in a while ago. Didn't like the idea of you being by yourself when you're sick."

Remus closed his eyes. 

"You want me to let you sleep?"

He shook his head slowly. "I like you reading. I see why you fall asleep so easily. You got something more interesting though?"

Sirius smiled before pulling out his copy of _Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them._ Remus smiled before falling back to sleep. Sirius read until his throat went dry.

* * *

# Secrets

Madam Pomfrey was not impressed when she found Sirius, half asleep, at his bedside. She woke him up and demanded to know why he was there, what he was doing and how long he'd been there. Sirius, being only half awake, mostly shrugged. Remus lifted his head.

"He was keeping me company, Madam Pomfrey. I asked him to come by. I forgot to tell you."

The matron looked at him then at Sirius, who she asked to step out while she checked him over. Sirius did as he was told but left his bag and books on the visitors chair. Remus sat up slowly and removed his shirt. The wolf had clawed up his chest and chewed on his hip. The wounds had already healed and Madam Pomfrey removed the bandages. He put his shirt back on as she ran diagnostic spells. His temperature was still higher than normal and his throat was sore from the howling, but he was otherwise fine. She gave him permission to leave. Sirius came back in and smiled at him, still drowsy.

"I'm allowed to go back to the dorm. Have to go straight to bed but at least I'm allowed to leave," Remus said with a smile.

Sirius just gathered his stuff and waited for him. He moved slowly, the recently healed scar on his hip burning when he moved too fast. They walked together in silence and neither of them asked questions. The fact that Sirius had skipped an entire school day to keep him company was sweet. _If only he knew._

Back in the dorm, Sirius laid down on his bed and Remus sat beside him. He picked up his copy of _Jane Eyre_ and started to read. He expect Sirius to pass out quickly but he rolled over to watch him instead.

"First of all, what are you reading?" he asked. "Secondly, how often do you get sick?"

Remus froze at the second question. How could he answer that without sounding suspicious? Sirius closed his eyes.

"It's a muggle romance book and... I don't know. Pretty often. Bad genetics, mum says."

Sirius opened one eye, observing him. He didn't like the scrutiny. How could one person be so intrusive without doing anything at all? Without asking anything else, he rolled over and Remus resumed reading. Within five minutes, his friend was asleep.

James cheered as he joined them for breakfast. He was later than ideal and only had ten minutes left to eat, but he wasn't particularly hungry anyway. Sirius smiled at him before digging into his boiled eggs. James grinned and leaned across the table.

"Hey Remus, Sirius and I reckon there's a wolf in the forbidden forest. We heard it while flying the other night."

Remus felt the blood rush from his face. Sirius glanced at him sideways.

"You look like you're gonna be sick," Peter said, leaning away from him.

"If there is a wolf, it's not going to hurt anyone," Sirius added. "I think it's lonely. Maybe it's pack were killed."

It was meant to be a comfort but it just made him feel worse. How had Sirius managed to read the wolf's cry so well? His hands started to shake and he was no longer hungry in the slightest. Sirius handed him a goblet of pumpkin juice but didn't say anything else.

When they all headed towards charms classroom, Sirius hung back and walked alongside him. He still didn't speak but his presence was somehow calming. He didn't judge Remus for what likely appeared to be a cowards response. They sat down at the back of the room and Sirius swished his wand to make snow appear over their table. Remus grinned.

At lunchtime, he grabbed some bread rolls before heading to the library, eating as he walked. He couldn't face another conversation with his dormmates. He needed to keep his distance before they started to realize something was wrong with him. Sirius already seemed to be on the right path. He sat down in a quiet corner and began on his potions essay. Someone sat across the table from him but he didn't look up.

"Hi, I'm Lily Evans," she said brightly.

"Remus Lupin," he replied, out of kind courtesy only. 

He didn't want to talk to anyone. 

"I know who you are. You hang around with Potter and Black. Did you know they almost got caught pranking the Slytherins. Something about tapestries and lions. Black supposedly slapped his cousin."

Remus lifted his head. He expected her to be staring at him but she was writing on her own parchment. He'd never understood how somone could write the exact opposite of what they were discussing.

"His cousin probably deserved it. His whole family sound attrocious," Remus said, a little defensively.

Lily lifted her head and frowned. "Violence never solves anything, but I know what you mean. Purebloods seem to be rather full of themselves, especially if they're in Slytherin."

"What are you working on?"

"Transfiguration then probably charms. You?"

They worked separately but together for a long time until it was time for afternoon lessons. She chattered about the castle as they walked to Herbology. He didn't mind. She was nice enough.

The next full moon fell on the 30th of October but he started to feel it two days before. Sirius watched him carefully before closing the curtains over the window.

"Don't want you to catch a chill," he said casually before leaving him to sleep. 

When he woke up there were six pieces of parchment lying on his bedside table along with a chocolate frog. He knew the handwriting well enough to know that it was Sirius who'd left them. He drifted off again only to wake up hearing quiet whimpering. Sirius was having another nightmare. Remus groaned silently as he sat up and lit the candle between their beds. He hauled himself to his feet before sitting on the edge of his bed and shaking his shoulder gently.

"Hey, Sirius, it's just a dream," he said quietly. 

Sirius rolled onto his back and stared at him, his whole body trembling.

"I didn't want to disturb you. I know you're not well," Sirius whispered.

Remus shrugged and picked up one of the note sheets that Sirius had made for him. He started reading it in a hushed whisper and Sirius gradually dropped off, his body calm and his face peaceful. Remus read until there were no more words before transferring himself back onto his own bed. 

The next day, he woke up to an empty dorm and a plate with dry toast on it along with a note saying,

**You still need to eat something. Plain toast sucks but don't need you passing out along with whatever it is you have.**

Remus laughed quietly and ate all of the toast. He liked how much Sirius cared. _If only he knew he was caring for a monster!_


	6. Christmas From Hell / Secrets And Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This kind of got put on the backburner to my other fics since it's more of a slow burning story than the others. Apologies to anyone who was waiting for an update.

# Christmas From Hell

As the train left Hogwarts, Sirius couldn't help but feel a little panicked. His mother's letter haunted him from where it was burned into his memory.

**Sirius,**

**You have shown yourself to be a disgrace to our family. For the time being, I have graciously convinced your father that it is best not to disown you. However, if I catch word that you have behaved in any way other than which is appropriate for a Black, I wil not be responsible for your father's reaction.**

**You aught to be ashamed of yourself for not setting Regulus a better example.**

**I will see you at christmas.**

**Mother**

Remus nudged him, holding out a bar of chocolate.

"Might make you feel better," he said.

Sirius tried to smile but it didn't come out quite right. On the other side of the compartment, James and Peter were playing exploding snap and were blissfully unaware of just how awful the next couple of weeks were going to be for him. Remus didn't seem as ill as he had been, but he always seemed to know when Sirius wasn't feeling the best. They'd even spent several nights in the same bed because Sirius had had a nightmare. 

"Will you write?" Sirius asked.

"Sure," Remus replied. "Will you?"

"I'm certainly going to try."

Remus smiled sympathetically.

At King's Cross, Sirius scrambled to get off the train before his mother could see him with his friends. He wasn't ashamed of them or thought himself above, he just didn't want to be punished. He heard Remus trying to explain that to James as he dragged his trunk onto the platform and looked through the crowd of people to try and find his nightmare mother. A hand clamped down on his shoulder, causing him to flinch, but he didn't have time to see who even had him because they were apparating. In the square outside 12 grimmauld place, Sirius forced his stomach to keep its contents as his mother marched towards the house. He wanted to be relieved that she wasn't talking to him but usually that meant he was going to suffer. He dragged his trunk towards the house before passing it off to Kreacher. Even the house elf didn't speak to him.

"Go to your room," Walburga snapped. "We will come find you later."

Sirius's heart dropped. Was his recurring nightmare about to become true? He bolted up the stairs and shut himself in his room. To try and control his emotions, he walked over to the desk and began writing to Remus. 

**_Hey Remus,_ **

**_Mum ignored me until we got home. Only thing she told was to go to my room. Even Kreacher, the house elf, is ignoring me. They're goiing to find me later. Is my dream going to come true? I'll let you know how it goes. Hopefully I can get Reg's and I's owl without Mum seeing._ **

It was hours until Sirius had any company. He longed for the Gryffindor common room and his dorm. He had gotten used to the noise and constant companionship. He heard a quiet knock on the door before Regulus slipped into the room. 

"They're talking in the library," he said quietly. "I don't know what Cissy has told them but whatever it is, isn't good. How are you?"

"I'm fine, Reg," Sirius replied. "Just want them to get it over with. How've they been treating you while I was gone?"

He shrugged. "I follow the rules, Siri. They don't punish me most of the time. Bellatrix has been sworn though. They're having a family meeting on New Year's."

Sirius couldn't contain the disturbed shiver that ran through him. He had been educated in the short time at Hogwarts, that marrying distant cousins was very frowned upon within the muggle world because it lead to a whole bunch of defects, including psychological ones. After comparing that knowledge to the multitude of cousins he had, it didn't surprise him that they were like they were. Regulus frowned.

"You're gonna get sworn one day too, Sirius."

"Merlin's Beard, I hope not."

It was after dinnertime that Sirius was graced by the presence of his parents. He stood up when his father entered the room and held his hands behind his back, the way he had been raised to. Orion scoffed.

"As if you can even pretend to be a boy of class," he snapped. "You're as filthy as the mudbloods and blood traitors you associate with."

Sirius bit his tongue to keep from defending muggleborns. The only one he could think off was Lily and, while she was very annoying, he hated the idea of calling her something so vile. Walburga sneered.

"Well boy, I'm sure Regulus has informed you that we shall be attending the engagement of your cousin Bellatrix. You will behave yourself and hold yourself accountable to the ways of the Black family. You will not embarrass us the way you already have," she said, every word filled with poisonous warning. 

"Should you so much as step a toe out of line, you will be punished and you will not enjoy it," Orion added. "Now, as for the despicable behaviour you've displayed while out of our control, I expect an apology and a reassurance that it will cease when the new term begins."

Sirius met his father's gaze. "You want me to stop hanging around with my friends? Is it your life's mission to make me as miserable as you are?"

As soon as the words were out, Sirius regretted them. Not because he didn't mean them, but because he knew he was in trouble. His father marched forward and backhanded him across the face. The Black family crested ring he wore cut into his cheek, opening a line that would likely scar. Orion then grabbed him by the collar and forced Sirius to look at him.

"For that, you will not be attending the celebration and you will not be eating tonight. If I catch you outside of your room, I will do far worse than slapping you. Do you understand me, boy?" he hissed.

"Yes, father," Sirius replied, looking his father dead in the eye.

He wasn't afraid anymore. He was furious. Orion forcefully released his grip, sending Sirius to the floor, before he and his mother left the room. They didn't lock the door. They liked to leave him with the temptation so that they had a chance to punish him further. 

He clenched and unclenched his hands, trying to calm down. After a long while of doing it, he stood up and returned to his desk. He located the letter he'd started and continued,

_**Well, I wasn't crucioed. I did get slapped and banned from my cousin's engagement party. Not that I really wanted to go anyway. Also not been allowed any dinner tonight. It sucks but it could be so much worse. Hope the holidays serve you better. Probably best you not send any letters back though. If they find out, I'll be done for.** _

_**See you next year,** _

_**Sirius** _

* * *

# Secrets And Lies

Remus found Sirius in their compartment before anyone else arrived. While his friend didn't look any slimmer, there was a newly healed scar on his cheek. Sirius stood when he entered and Remus wrapped him in a tight hug, that Sirius willingly returned.

"Your parents sound vile," Remus whispered. "This hug is also from my mother. She found the letter you sent me."

Sirius didn't say anything but tightened his own grip. They simultaneously released each other when James came in.

"How come you didn't write Black?" James asked, flopping down on his seat. "Remus sent me a whole bunch of letters."

Sirius sat back down on the opposite seat and shrugged, a smirk on his face. "Mum locked the owls away so we couldn't leak any information about Bellatrix's engagment. Though why she thinks I care, I'm not entirely sure."

James laughed. Remus sat down beside Sirius and tried not to show how tired he was. The full moon had been three days ago, so in theory, he was in the clear for a month. His body apparently had other ideas. He hoped none of his friends noticed the new scars he had on the back of his neck. He wasn't even sure how the wolf had managed to make them. Peter joined their compartment a little while after, just before the train started to move. As they pulled away from King's Cross, Remus couldn't help but notice Sirius relax.

Sirius was markedly more subdued during dinner but Remus tried to pay no heed to it. He could only imagine what his nasty parents had done to him and didn't really want to think about it. 

"So, I have an idea," James whisper-shouted across the table. "It involves transfiguration, charms and herbology knowledge. Are you guys in?"

Remus grinned. "Which of those roles would be mine exactly? I'm average in all three."

"I'm not really in the mood, James," Sirius replied. "Mother has Narcissa breathing down my neck, waiting for me to ruin their reputation any further. I can't really-"

"Sod your parents! You're already on the way to being the opposite of them. Come on, dogstar, let's make this term interesting," James interrupted.

Sirius snorted and looked down at his barely touched dinner. Remus nudged him with his knee and they exchanged a look. Remus smiled sympathetically.

"Might be fun to target slytherin, don't you think?"

Sirius shrugged, plastered a fake smile on his face before agreeing to hear James out more fully back in the common room. Remus turned towards his dinner and wolfed down the chicken like it was his last meal on earth. He knew it was unsightly but he needed the energy if they were going to be pranking people.

The four of them huddled in one of the corners of the common room and Remus muffled their conversation from any nosy passersby. James dove into discussion about how they needed to break into the greenhouses and steal some leaves of a plant Remus didn't remember a thing about (supposedly they left something equivalant to snail slime once crushed on anything they touched). They then needed to gather a handful of quills to transfigure into actual snails to act as decoys. The last part of the prank was the most complex. They needed to break into the slytherin common room after curfew and using charms, stick the crushed leaves on all the door handles and anything that was commonly touched. Remus was impressed by the amount of thought James had put into it and it was blatantly obvious that all four of them were intrigued.

"How are we supposed to get into slytherin common room," Sirius asked, "Especially after curfew."

"That my dear friend," James replied. "Is where my christmas present comes in handy. It will make sure none of us get noticed. You'll find out later. Peter, are you ready to break into the greenhouses?"

The boy balked. "Me? Why me?"

"Because you do the best out of herbology and I need us to be sure we have the right leaves."

Remus supressed a smirk at the fear on the other boy's face. How exactly had he been sorted into gryffindor? Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Come on, Pete. I'll go with you," he said. "But you better know what plant we're looking for because I am convinced we never learnt anything about it."

Seeming less terrified, Peter and Sirius quietly departed. James looked like a cat that got the cream. Remus leaned back against the wall.

"So when did we learn about the plant?" he asked.

James smirked. "We didn't. My dad mentioned it over the holidays and I know Pete's read the entire herbology book. Figured we could take the risk."

"I take it you had a nice christmas then."

"Oh yeah. It was brilliant. Definitely better than either yours or Sirius's."

Remus kept his expression neutral but couldn't resist crossing his arms. "What's that supposed to mean?"

James rolled his eyes. "I'm not that oblivious, Remus. Sirius is clearly miserable at the slightest mention of his family, plus I found you both hugging on the train. He isn't the sort to hug anyone. As for you... well if I'm being honest, mate, you look like you haven't slept since we left. I'm not going to start asking questions because I'm sure if it mattered, you'd say something, but I know that neither of you enjoyed the holidays. At least, not as much as you should have."

His chest felt tight. He wasn't aware that he'd looked so tired. Maybe coming to Hogwarts was a bad idea. James and Sirius were clearly too observant for his own good. If they found out what he was hiding... 

James shoved him playfully and suggested they go upstairs so that he could show the secret ingredient to their prank.

The four of them walked in a very tight huddle through the silent corridors. Remus tried to ignore the voice in his head telling him that it was a bad idea. They approached the dungeons common room and Sirius briefly left the hideout of the cloak to utter the password, which to Remus's disgust, was _mudblood._ James made a noise of distaste too. They entered the common room and held their breath as the last of the slytherins headed into their dorms. When the room was empty, Remus cast the strongest _mufflato_ charm he'd ever done in his life. He hoped like hell that it would be strong enough.

Sirius handed him the small vial of crushed up leaves and reminded him of the charm needed to stick them. James got to work transfiguring quills into snails and slugs. A couple turned into atrocities that vaguely resembled draught excluders, but for the most part, they turned out fine. Remus got to work sticking the leaves on any touchable surface he could find. Sirius grabbed the cloak and headed towards the boys dorms to slime everything possible. When they were all done, the slimy things James had created were adding slick trails around the room. It was impossible to suppress a shudder. Remus cancelled the muffle charm and they headed out, under the invisibilty cloak into the hallway. 

Once back at the gryffindor common room, they burst into laughter before noticing the prefects stood by the fire. Remus forced himself to sober up and shoved the others. They were still beneath the cloak but one of them was going to have to take the fall for the noise. 

"Show yourself," one of the prefects, Amylee McClaggen, said firmly.

Feeling resigned, Remus stepped out of the cloak and looked sheepishly at the floor.

"Lupin? Can you explain yourself and the fact that you were in fact invisible?"

He sighed. "I found a book on disillusionment spells. I wanted to try one out before showing it to my friends. I got a bit carried away and was a bit far from the common room."

He felt the brush of the cloak as the other three walked past, silently heading towards the stairs. Remus looked up at the prefects and noticed that both their eyebrows were raised.

"You're a first year, Lupin. You really shouldn't be experimenting with spells that advanced. Any number of things could have happened to you," the other prefect, Terry Somethingorother, said harshly. "It was foolish behaviour. Five points from gryffindor and if we catch you doing it again, we will be informing Professor McGonagall. Do I make myself clear?"

"Of course," Remus replied. "Certainly won't be happening again."

Amylee gestured towards the dormitories and Remus was more than happy to run away. 

He locked the door on the dorm and turned to face his friends, all of which had expectant looks on their faces.

"Five points taken and very strict instructions not to perform spells above my magical level. How exactly are they prefects?"

Sirius shook his head. "Mate, I believed you and I was stood under the cloak. How do you come up with stories on the spot?"

A knot formed in Remus's gut but he forced himself to shug. "Dad was quick to make things up. We lived in a muggle heavy environment. Guess it's a hereditory gift."

He hoped the nonchalance was believeable. He hoped they didn't question him further. Thankfully, everyone started getting ready for bed and, by the time Remus was out of the bathroom, James and Peter were both enclosed in their beds.

He sat down on his bed and caught Sirius watching him with a strange curiosity.

"You good?" He asked.

"I'm... yeah," Sirius replied, then lowered his voice, "Don't suppose you're up for reading?"

The question was vague enough that the other two, if they were awake, would understand the real question. Remus shrugged, grabbed his newest read, before transferring over to Sirius's bed and casting the muffle charm around them. Before he could begin, Sirius sat up.

"I... I'm sorry you had to take the fall," he said quietly. "I'm kind of glad you did because no doubt we would have been foiled otherwise... but how are you so good at lying?"

Remus forced himself to remain calm. "I told you. We lived in basically a muggle town. We had to come up with excuses for strange occurances. Such as owls carrying letters and such like."

Sirius nodded, his eyelids half shut. "Okay... I want you to know that you don't have to lie to me. About anything. You've got enough blackmail material on me to keep my mouth zipped."

He flopped down onto the pillow and Remus slowly opened his book. He had barely read a single page before Sirius was out of it. He dispersed his charm and returned to his own bed. He stared up at the canopy and felt his insides twist themselves into knots. Sirius was too smart for his own good. He had no idea the kind of secrets he was ignorant to for his own sake. Blackmail material. Remus's secret had nothing on the knowledge that Sirius had night terrors and didn't sleep properly unless he was read to. 


End file.
